I am a person that consciously tries to find the reward in as many things as possible to manually produce dopamine instead of relying on addictive substances like caffeine and sugar to produce it. I find joy in the smallest of things….
For example yesterday I rode my bike the 1.3 miles to my boyfriend/fiancee’s house like I do, but this time it was different. Now before I share the joy I experienced yesterday I’m going to share why this was/is such a big deal to me. Prior the last month or so, I had not ridden a bicycle for over 19 years. the last time I rode a bike was before the brain injury, amnesia, and having to learn how to walk all over again (at 19). I am also on government disability so I don’t really make all that much money a month. But walking the 1.3 miles there and back was destroying my knees and ankles. I have brittle bones due to a genetic mutation with my ZNF469 gene, connected to my Ashkenazi heritage in my ancestry, and also Faulty collegen in my joints from a condition diagnosed as Ehlers Danlos Syndrome.
I just associate it all with the fuck load of generational trauma I inherited from my Roman Catholic, Askhkenazi Jewish, and Back Woods Appalachian lineages. And in additional to all that, the brain damage to the, well most of the parts of my brain… I just haven’t ridden a bike in a really long time.
But about a month ago I bought one, and I have been riding it. It’s just a simple one speed commuter bike, so uphill is a struggle since I have to build these specific muscles back up, but on Thursday I rode it to my guy’s house and for the first time I didn’t have to get off and push it once! Granted the ride wasn’t entirely smooth sailing and it took a lot of effort, but I did it.
Then on Friday the first thing that brought me joy and made my heart smile was when my kid, 10years old, had a friend come over for a play date. Those two are so cute together and I’m really glad they connected. Another heart smile came when I finished writing my first entry on here. I wrote something that I was/am wholeheartedly proud of.
The third thing that made my heart smile Friday night was my dinner 
My kid and I started getting boba teas from this restaurant nearby-ish the house. I discovered that they have “build you own” poke bowls/boxes, sushi burritos, and salads with sushi. They are delicious AF, so I grabbed us some boba and myself a sushi-ritto. Dinner made my heart so freaking happy Friday night 🤤
OH! Bonus heart smile! I have a boyfriend. His name is Scott 😍 
Well actually he’s my fiancée. Cause he put a ring on it right quick.
If I don’t figure out how to write my book or get noticed on social media he might be my forever fiancée because I’m on disability and he gets a decent paycheck. If we get married I would have my disability most likely revoked and I don’t want to have to rely on him for everything. I want to be a team and share responsibilities… plus I have my daughter that is not his, so he would be stepping in the role from no kids to step dad.
Besides… I really don’t want to be seen as disabled, but rather differently abled and I dream of being an inspirational speaker. Cause I believe people could learn a lot from me and my story. But I digress…
My guy has anxiety issues, which if you don’t I can tell you from personal experience that it is a bitch. That shit can be crippling AF. Social anxiety because he is introverted, and phone anxiety because, well, phone conversations can be annoying. Also when you live with an anoxic brain injury, like he and I both do, words can be difficult, especially if we didn’t sleep very well the night before.
And I mention all of this because he called me on the phone out of the blue on Friday, instead of our usual texting we do where we can really think about and edit what we want to say, or fix typos that stand out to our OCD. Legit we are so alike in some ways it’s insane sometimes. I understand him and he understands me. It’s not perfect with us as our shituations are not ideal. But it’s perfectly imperfect because there’s no judgement, only compassion.
So he called me Friday night to talk about our tentative plans for the evening and basically to just talk in general, and THAT made my heart smile so big because I’m apparently special enough to him to push himself out of his comfort zone for. I ended up later asking for a hangout rain check because neither one of us slept very well the night before and I was hitting my wall early. And I think THAT meant a lot to him. He is one to typically ignore his pain to not infringe on another person’s pleasure because he doesn’t like to disappoint. So if I had not of said anything he would have still probably tired to come over, OR would have beat himself up for not being able to make it.
But this way he didn’t have to go through that mental turmoil and let me tell you, it rewired something in his brain because things between us have been even MORE understanding and intensely intimate. Like maybe he feeling safe with me like I have felt with him since the beginning. He’s got great, loving energy.
Anyway, those are my heart smiles from Friday! TTFN
Leave a Reply