I’ve been overthinking starting a blog for years…. so this is me not over thinking anymore…
When I was younger…My father took me into the city to see a marching band. He said, “Son, when you grow up…will you be the savior of the beaten, the broken, and the damned?” He said, “Will you defeat them, your demons, and all your non-believers? The plans that they have made?
For those of you who aren’t aware, these lyrics are from a song by My Chemical Romance called “Black Parade.”
And while I’m not a “son” biologically, I am destined to be the savior of a lot of wounded warriors. Because I figured out how to save myself first.
For, instead of defeating my demons, I accepted them as a part of me, and in doing so, I defeated my fears.
Fear of failure,
fear of rejection,
fear of not being good enough,
fear of never finding true love…
And by defeating my fears and finding a purpose in all of my pain and trauma…there has been so much, I’m a bit surprised I’m still alive and capable of telling my story… But by finding my purpose, I began to heal and fix what was broken within.
A heart that had been smashed to smithereens too many times brandished with scars and metaphorical stitches, holding it together by worn threads.
A brain without cohesive communication between the hemispheres because the connecting corpus callosum was busted when my head was bouncing around the driver’s seat of my car like a pinball.
and my soul, my loving and pure soul, broken from birth. Never receiving the unconditional acceptance and love I truly desired… until I learned to look within.
Now, I didn’t actually fix everything.
Because not everything is fixable. For example, genetic mutations causing physiological limitations. Cause baby, I was born this way.
What I fixed… was my relationship to everything.
In a 1995 book by Joseph Jaworski, Synchronicity: the path to inner leadership, Betty Sue Flowers is quoted as saying, “When you realize what you are here for, suddenly the world begins to mirror your purpose in a magical way. It’s almost as if you find yourself on a stage, in a screenplay written expressly for you.”
This quote popped up randomly on my inspirational quotes app during a really dark period I was going through a couple of years back. It was one of the lights that got me through the dark.
Because it explains what happened to me. My theory is that my pineal gland popped and unleashed a Pandora’s box of demons in my mind that I then had to face and conquer to reach enlightenment, but that claim is not logically provable.
What is provable is that I was living with Amnesia, lack of memory, and Anosognosia, lack of insight, following a near-death experience car accident/ traumatic brain injury/ stroke / the beginning of one of the longest and most fucked up games of universal freaky friday I have ever heard of.
Having Amnesia meant I couldn’t remember things very well, and as a person who was born mentally wired with Hyperthymesia… an autobiographical memory… I felt lost without my memories. But I also sustained chronic encephalomalacia in my right parietal lobe, which damaged my self-awareness, causing Anosognosia, and I wasn’t aware as to why I felt lost.
I couldn’t remember shit, I didn’t know shit, I didn’t know I couldn’t remember shit, and I didn’t remember I used to know shit. All I can say is I was severely brain-damaged, to the point of mental disability, and didn’t know it.
Chronic Encephalomalacia is a fancy word that means “continuous softening of the brain.” The ER doctor was adamant it was “just a bruise.” But the brain is soft like a piece of fruit. When you bruise a piece of fruit, the damage spreads and eventually turns to rot. And then the rot spreads…
So brain damage of any sort, physical or psychological, is nothing to mess around with. And I wish more people in the healthcare field understood that.
The good news is it’s possible to fix what is fixable… the bad news is it’s not an easy or painless process.
For a long time, I thought something was wrong with me. Maybe that’s because my family was always asking me “what’s wrong with you?” When I didn’t do or see things their way.
So I got it into my head that I needed to try harder, be like them, push myself into spaces that I didn’t naturally fit.
Because I didn’t remember or know much of anything about myself, just what I was told.
I kept attempting things I apparently wasn’t neurologically wired for, at the time—and when I failed, I took that as proof that I was the problem.
But I wasn’t the problem. The problem was I wasn’t actually aware of my problems.
I was misaligned, like trying to shove a square peg in a round hole… or a round peg in a square hole…. or actually a paint splatter shaped peg in any hole smaller that it.
I was Positive, I was a good person and questioning why life kept going so poorly for me, but not changing any of my tactics. Literally Einstein’s definition of insanity- doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results…That’s what living with Anosognosia is like.
I used to swear I must have been a really bad person in a past life, and this was my karma.
Little did I know that I was only made out to be a bad person in past lives, by a smear campaign. And I’m here, as in a reincarnated soul from lives past, to set the record straight. Technically we are all a reincarnation of at least one person from the past, because everything is genetic and we reincarnate via reproduction.
But first, people need to be prepared to hear the truth. And I made the mistake in the past of not acknowledging that fact.
So, for now, I’m just going to get on here and talk conversationally. Talk about life, talk about love, as I am a being of it at my core, talk about how to liberate oneself from the wash, rinse, repeat matrix. And I want to share with you my journey to finding happiness and peace without needing to die.
They say, “rest in peace.” But what about living in peace and dying happy?
Ridding your mind of fear and anxiety?
So without further ado, I will begin talking about how I reconnected with, healed, and resurrected my soul…
There are things about me that I’ve had to accept:
Like the fact that I probably shouldn’t be driving anymore. So I surrendered my drivers license at 36 or 37. A license I sometimes wonder if I was ever actually mentally cut out for having…
That a traditional 9-to-5 job life doesn’t work for my brain or body. Going in public doesn’t even work for my brain or body some days
That trying to force myself into systems that require a kind of logic that doesn’t come naturally to me only leads to burnout. aka “man logic” as my logic is emotional… I think with my heart.
And instead of fighting that… I accepted it.
Not in a defeated way—but in an honest one.
I stopped trying to be who I thought I should be, and started paying attention to who I actually am.
Noticing and analyzing what triggered me, and what happened when I was triggered.
And then I took to the internet and researched what could cause that sort of reaction to that kind of trigger.
And I just metaphorically dissected myself all the way down to my hormone production…
And what I found is that I’m not broken in the way I thought.
I just work differently.
I feel deeply. I see patterns. I can step into different perspectives and understand people in a way that doesn’t always make sense on paper—but makes perfect sense in experience.
And like I said, I was born this way… meaning I managed to reset my brain back to pre-injury status. Making me, in so many ways, 19 for life. Stuck between being a child and an adult, trying to find a direction in my navigationally challenged mind.
Living in a body that sometimes feels like I am 83 instead of 38…
So instead of saying “I have this” or “I struggle with that,” I’ve started saying something different:
I understand how it feels to…
I feel for (fill in blank)
I can empathize with, and imagine how it feels too… (or usually I sympathize cause #metoo)
I have survived enough shit to recognize those states in other people—
This isn’t about fixing every condition or solving every problem.
It’s about removing the shame from how you exist.
It’s about taking the fear out of the things you were told made you less—and realizing they might actually be the things that make you… you.
So yeah—maybe I’m a little broken.
And yes, I am weird as fuck.
But I am also kind… thoughtful… and understanding as fuck.
There’s a quote that I’ve always known to be a Dr. Seuss quote, but now the internet is telling me it’s actually from Robert Fulghum. Either way, whoever wrote it said, “We are all a little weird, and life’s a little weird, and when we find someone whose weirdness is compatible with ours, we join up with them and fall in mutual weirdness and call it love.”
Like our brain neurologies, echo or complement one another in many ways.
Well, I found my romantic “mutual weirdness.” I connected to my “other half” like Plato theorized about in his Symposium
But in reality, seeing as that I am a being of love, I have a whole lot of it to give.
Love as in being compassionate, consideration, maybe provide some emotional release and relief.
“Love” isn’t always meant to be physical as in sexual. I can have a partner and hug another person without wanting to jump their bones. People get offended by being in the “friend zone.” Hell, I want my partner to be my best friend.
And most people say they want a “real” person, but it is my observation that oftentimes “really real” seems to be too real.
Life is not meant to always be sunshine and roses, and bad shit happens to people… period. When life throws you lemons and knocks you down, the best thing you can do for yourself is to get back up, dust yourself off, find the lesson in the lemon, learn from it, and try again.
And seeing as I did that for myself…. Found the purpose in the pain and failure, I just want to help my fellow humans do the same.
I am awakened,
I am aware.
I am enlightened,
I am intentional.
I have repented, been resurrected,
and I’m finally back in control of my own story.
And that?
That feels like something worth talking about, because I just want to spread happiness and forgiveness of both self and others, and turn the trajectory of the future towards more loving and accepting times.
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