We just never seemed to connect emotionally. I felt like the the red headed first born, which is mildly hilarious because my strands are rocking a box of Ferria Red Velvet right this minute. But my hair was jet black when I was born… all inch and a half of it. I can imagine the heart burn she must of had. Especially because I was actually born 26 days overdue. I was legiterally 4 days shy of being a full month late.
I’m sure she is reminded of that every year around my birthday…. I don’t even know if she has ever forgiven me for it. Or for being a girl… cause she had planned on having a boy first that was going to worship her probably… or for a little girl to be her mini-me.. So I’m sure you can imagine her dismay when they pulled me out and I had a vagina. No Jesus baby for her… she wasn’t even a virgin before marriage really, just a prude. Did you know the name Michelle means “is like” or “resembles” God? My Michelle is more like “wants to be worshipped like God…
Shit…. I triggered myself… and I started ranting….. FUCK!
From the looks of us, we give the impression of being a happy family… but looks can be deceiving. How can we be a happy family when it wasn’t even a happy marriage? At least not from my perspective. No union can be happy if it’s lacking healthy communication and compromise. And my dad is a real “my way or the highway” kind of bloke who married a “begrudging pleaser of people so they will overlook her transgressions” kind of gal… both with win/lose mentalities and lose/win beliefs. Meaning they have the demands of a god and the awareness of a carnivore. “Do as I say cause you were designed to serve me.”Even though I, much to their chagrin, was born with a neurological dysfunction with following directions. Like black sheep as in I am legiterally mentally wired to go against the grain because my sense of direction is busted, and I’m wired to think negatively first…. even my rare blood type “B-” spells it out according to my understanding of things.
I think I have vampire blood (aka: Porphyria) cause I’m in a way allergic to the sun, and anti-convulsant meds almost killed me, and I get cold easily, and often feel dead and invisible…. but the idea of drinking blood out of a persons neck gives me the total ick…. I sure would make a hot vampire though 😏
Ok but back to reality… There’s a quote from the movie Matilda that is like a gut punch it resonates so deep. At the end of the movie when Matilda is asking to live with her teacher Ms. Honey, the mother, played by Rhea Pearlman, says, “You’re my ownly dawta Matilda, and Oi neva undastood you nawt one little bit.” And then she proudly goes, “who’s gawtta pen?” and she signs her daughter’s life over to the teacher she had legiterally just met.
I used to envy Matilda so much…
My mother’s voice feels like nails on a chalkboard to my ears. The literal bane of my existence. And the worst part is I forgive her for a lot of the things I used to hold a grudge about, because I’m raising one of my own, and she was right when she said, “You’ll never understand why I have to be this way until you have a kid of your own.” I understand now why she was… and still is… so cruel and dismissive to me my whole life. There are a lot of elements and factors at play here, and I have a lot to say on the subject so I’ll break them down in individual posts. It’s a lot of hard memories to relive mentally, so I will have to space them out. But it’s after 4 so I’m sundowning and I think this is where I will stop this entry.